i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
