i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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