Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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