best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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