After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
