When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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