I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
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Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
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He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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