bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
