Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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