please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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