Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
