I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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