I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
