Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Randomize
