Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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