A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
