Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
