fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
