Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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