this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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