a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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