I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
