I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
