please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
