I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
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He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
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Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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