he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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