Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
