Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
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Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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