i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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