I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
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