I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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