So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
