That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
