"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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