i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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