If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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