I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
