I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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