Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
