When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
