Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
