Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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