Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Found your dick twin last night
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
