I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
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