So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
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I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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