Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
