I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this beer tastes like vomit already
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
