I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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