fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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