Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
