i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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