You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
