fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
