I think I died a long time ago.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
