At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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