my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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