I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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